The Cut-Out & Forgivness

Letting go and giving up are honestly not easy. Even when it is good for you. These days in a society that promotes hyper positivism and constant forgiveness on the part of the victimized person it can be exceptionally hard to hold fast to your decision to cut a person out….

When we are told to “let go,” it is very often more about the person telling us to do this than it is about our personal well being. Take for instance, my mother. An unrepentant child abuser, and constant emotional manipulator, would literally punch me in the face of choke me, then say “YOU NEED TO FORGIVE ME FOR THE SHIT IVE DONE IN THE PAST.” Which honestly has lead me to living a strangely disassociative life, as I was told that immediate bad happenings are also the past. Mind you she still even now, currently emotionally and physically abuses my younger siblings, she has made the constant demand that I take ‘responsibility’ {for my actions as a child} and forgive her.

The thing is, I am a very forgiving person, honestly it is to my detriment often times. I understand the human condition is wibbly wobbley at best, and none of us really know what the right way is. I also lived through a sexually, verbally, and emotionally abusive romantic relationship because of this, for 4 years, and then the next one for another year. So you may be seeing a trend here, and the trend is, we teach people to forgive, unreasonably. When you forgive someone it shouldn’t just be because it is a demand, or because we as a whole society have somehow been brainwashed into thinking that by ‘forgiving’ all things are resolved, cause often times the offended keeps being a shitty person. I have had to train myself the to be forgiven is as much an active tense for myself as it is for the asshole. If that person really recognizes and stops hurtful behavior once you bring it to their attention, sweet: forgiven.  If that person says they’ve changed and keeps doing the harmful thing, and then blames you for recognizing what they are doing is harmful, then how have they earned your forgiveness and trust? They haven’t so you shouldn’t be obligated to give it.

Here’s where the cut-out part comes in. Sometimes cutting someone out is safer than forgiving them. As a creature who likes to resolve things as quickly and neatly as possible this has been hard for me. I did however realize that me wantonly forgiving unchanged people was also not a resolution. So, I announced my intentions “Yo our relationship always results in screaming, so until you can get it together, and I have better control of myself around you, I’m out, you’re embargoed.” Not hate, no ill wished, just a personal boundary. Anybody who knows me also knows, there is very little question as to why I do things. I will write a small essay with footnotes and sources if someone doesn’t get what I am saying, I have also never developed and decorum so chances are I have told you to your face what my problem is. That is who I am in a nut shell, clear and concise.

I am not perfect of coarse, but this action of having requirements for forgiveness have also extended into the way I choose to behave. For instance I had two manipulative, lying, abusive partners in a row for near 7 years of my life and an abusive lying parent my whole life so I have some shit habits. Now I get anxious and do the shitty jealous thing, and go through my current, awesome partner’s phone. “This is not fucking acceptable,” I say to myself as I actively jailbreak an iphone. Finally I told him (he already knew) and he had already unlocked his phone and just told me “I don’t appreciate this and you really need to stop doing it.” Took some trial and error but it has been nearly five months since I’ve broken into his phone. We had an argument about another issue related to boundaries, and he brought up the phone deal. I told him I was sorry and that I honestly haven’t done that, which he also already knew. But I didn’t demand forgiveness cause I probably haven’t earned it yet but I am working toward that, so we managed to actually make a concession in the argument. That’s just meeting someone half way.

Frankly if someone won’t put in an iota of work to try and meet you have way, recognize they are being hurtful, then cut them out. They aren’t worth forgiveness, and infinite chances. You however are. Work on forgiving yourself and setting healthy boundaries for self improvement from within, they are often the reasons you allow someone to take advantage of you in the first place. I think about this a lot and after counselling, meditating, the whole shebang, I’ve learned that protecting yourself isn’t a bad thing, having boundaries, and requirements, are not a bad thing. I have been told “Well you will end up alone.” So I made the decision that I would be okay being alone, rather than leeched off of. I’ve been told “You’ll always feel heavy if you don’t forgive!” That person by the way has been cut-out, and I still am not alone, and honestly feel lighter every day. Everything in excess can become a bad thing, but sometimes the cut-out is a healthier choice than forgiveness. Not the easier one, but the better one.

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